The Power of "No"
- Kristin Ontiveros
- Mar 7
- 9 min read
If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed because you say yes to everything or guilty when you turn something down, this episode is for you. Today, we’ll unpack why it’s so hard to say no, how it affects your mental health, and most importantly, practical strategies to set boundaries without guilt.
So, grab your favorite drink, get comfortable, and let’s dive in.
Why We Struggle To Say No
Let’s start by talking more about why it is so difficult at times to simply say “no”.
One of my biggest struggles with saying no comes from being 1,000% a people pleaser. Many of us grow up believing that our worth is tied to how much we do for others. We say yes because we want to be liked. We say yes because we want to be accepted. We say yes because we want to avoid disappointing someone. And while being kind and considerate is wonderful, I found that constantly prioritizing others' needs and wants put me on a fast track to burnout. I thought I could do it all. I thought I could please everyone and still have enough left in the tank to take care of myself. I was constantly loading not only my own plate but also getting a second and third helping of responsibilities in order to meet obligations I had signed myself up for in the hopes of making those around me happy. But I was left feeling empty, and drained, and most of my personal wants and needs unmet in my quest of pleasing others.
Then came the guilt and obligation. I felt guilty for every little task I was unable to check off. I felt guilty for every area I felt I had slacked in. I felt like I was letting everyone down including myself. This was my reasoning behind being unable to say no to literally anyone ever. For you or many others it may be different pressures that make saying “no” difficult. Some feel that saying no makes them a bad person. Some have an intense fear of missing out. A fear that is they say no they will miss out on a once in a lifetime change or opportunity. Some struggle with cultural or faith related pressures that influence them to consistently say “yes” no matter the cost to them. Some come from backgrounds, cultures, or upbringing in which saying “yes” is seen as a duty, responsibility, or virtue. Or even that saying no is selfish, self serving, uncaring, inconsiderate, or even rude. I want to reframe your thinking on setting boundaries. I want to rewire your thoughts on how saying “no” isn’t rejecting others but is in fact protecting yourself.
So if you struggle with saying no, right now take a second. Pause this episode if you need to and ask yourself: Why is it hard for me to say no? Identify the root of your struggle to say no. As they say, Acknowledgement is the first step toward change. Write it down if you need to. If it’s people pleasing, write down a list of all the people in your life whom you try to please. Then list them in order of importance in your life and how much their opinions matter. I bet you will find that the old saying is true “Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter”
If it’s fear of missing out. Ask yourself how many true opportunities have you missed by saying yes to opportunities that didn’t matter.
If it is personal, cultural, or spiritual, ask yourself have the yes’s brought me personal, cultural, or spiritual growth?
The Mental Health Cost Of Always Saying Yes
What does it look like when we always say “Yes” and never say “no”
Because believe me constantly saying yes when you want to say no can take a serious toll on your mental health. As I said already, constantly saying yes put me on a swift path to burnout which led to many other repercussions. So what are those consequences of saying “Yes” all the time.
Increased Stress, Anxiety & Burnout – When you overcommit, your brain stays in a heightened state of stress. This constant stress increases our stress hormone called Cortisol which we’ll discuss more in depth in later episodes but suffice it to say when we constantly overload our plate we put ourselves in a persistent state of fight or flight mode mentally. This happens when we are juggling too many responsibilities and feeling like we can never catch a break.
This often leads to Resentment – I think most of us can attest that we have said yes to things and then later felt angry. That’s resentment creeping in. Over time, this erodes your relationships because you feel overwhelmed and underappreciated. It affects how you treat people. Sometimes it affects how we treat the people we want to do things for because we have said yes too many times for people, tasks, and situations that we didn’t want to say yes to. We wasted our energy on things that didn’t matter and then resent the things that do matter.
Eventually we begin to lose our identity – When we prioritize others’ needs above our own, we lose sight of who we are and what we want. Our life becomes about making others happy instead of living with intention.
Finally this leads to an absolute breakdown of ourselves. Complete burnout. And ultimately emotional exhaustion – Contrary to what you and I try to convince ourselves. Our emotional energy is not like bottomless chips and salsas. We do run out. It is a finite resource. If we keep giving it away without replenishing ourselves, We will eventually burn out.
What does it look like when you reach this point of emotional burnout? Emotional exhaustion can manifest in different ways depending on the person, but there are some common signs and behaviors that point to burnout. Here’s a breakdown of how it might look:
Some Emotional Signs:
Snapping at others over small things or feeling unusually frustrated.
Feeling emotionally "shut down" or disconnected from things that used to matter.
Persistent worry or a sense of dread that doesn't seem to go away.
Becoming easily overwhelmed to the point of tears, even over minor stressors.
Hobbies or relationships that once brought joy now feel like obligations or chores.
Some Physical Signs:
Feeling exhausted even after resting or sleeping.
Trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, or waking up feeling unrefreshed.
Physical tension often accumulates in the form of headaches, neck pain, or body aches.
Getting sick more frequently due to prolonged stress weakening the immune system.
Some Behavioral Signs:
Avoiding social activities or isolating from friends and family.
Struggling to complete tasks or feeling mentally foggy.
Using food as a coping mechanism or losing appetite altogether.
Overuse of social media, binge-watching, substance use, or other escape tactics.
Some Cognitive Signs:
Difficulty focusing, remembering things, or making decisions.
Increased self-criticism
Remember: Every yes costs you something. The question is, are you paying too high a price?
The Psychology Behind Boundaries
Let’s break down the psychology behind healthy boundaries.
Boundaries are not about pushing people away; they are about protecting your mental and emotional well-being. Here are a few psychological insights that can help you reframe how you think about saying no:
Just like physical fences protect your home, emotional boundaries protect your mental space.
Remember no is a Complete Sentence. You don’t need to over-explain or justify your no. It’s okay to set limits simply because you need to. When you over-explain, you give others the chance to push back or argue. Practicing a simple, firm "no" helps reinforce your authority over your own life.
Self-Compassion Matters – It’s not selfish to prioritize your well-being. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend. If you wouldn’t expect a loved one to run themselves ragged, why expect it of yourself?
And when you set and maintain boundaries, you show people how you expect to be treated.
Go back to the list you made in the beginning of this episode. Think of one situation where you need to establish a boundary. What would it feel like to say no?
Practical Strategies to Say No
Let’s get real. This is one of those things that is easier said that done. I can’t count hw many times I’ve told myself I’m not gonna say yes if they ask me. Then they ask me and here I go “Yesing like I've never yesed before. I’m also not going to sit here and act like I have my yesses and no’s perfectly balanced. As I sit here and record this episode I currently have too much on my plate. I was just speaking to my husband two days ago about how I thrive on stress. I don’t really, but I’ve allowed myself to be overwhelmed and stressed for so long that I honestly don’t know what to do with myself if I’m not overwhelmed and stressed. When I get five minutes to myself I end up finding a new project to start. So let’s talk about a few ways to start saying no more often and without guilt:
Know Your Limits – Identify your emotional and mental capacity. What drains you? What restores you? Again write a list if you need to. List 5 things that have stressed you out lately and then list 5 things you can do or not do to feel restored.
Use Clear but Kind Language – Saying no doesn’t have to be rude, disrespectful for hurtful. Here are a few ways to say no politely:
"I can’t commit to that right now. I will let you know if that changes in the future"
"I appreciate the offer, but I have to pass."
"I’m honored, but I need to prioritize my mental health right now."
Utilize the Pause Technique – Don’t answer immediately. Say, "Let me think about it and I will get back with you" to give yourself space to decide. Keep in mind you do need to get back with them one way or the other. Speaking as someone who has been left on read so to speak awaiting a decision that never came. It is polite to give someone an answer.
Next Accept Discomfort – It might feel awkward to say no at first. That’s normal. Especially if you’re like me and have been saying yes for way to long. You are retraining your brain to prioritize your needs.
Lastly Practice Self-Affirmation – Remind yourself: "My needs are valid. Saying no is an act of self-care."
When “No” Is Necessary for Healing
Let’s talk about a few areas in which saying “no” is necessary and how that might look.
In Ministry - I know many people believe saying no in ministry is taboo. Many believe saying no in ministry is saying “no” to God. However, I fully believe you can’t be successful in ministry in a state of burnout and believe me ministry burnout is real. If your service in ministry is keeping you from protecting your own spiritual walk with God, you need to consider stepping back or delegating. You can not minister to others if your walk has been compromised.
Another area you might be in that you find it difficult to say no is toxic relationships—whether these are romantic, familial, or friendships— they often involve manipulation, guilt-tripping, or other controlling behaviors that make saying "no" feel difficult or even dangerous. Here’s what it looks like in practice:
Have Clear and Direct Communication
In a toxic relationship, vague responses leave room for manipulation. Being firm and straightforward reduces ambiguity. You don’t owe anyone a lengthy reason for your boundaries.
Setting and Maintaining Boundaries
Consistency is key—when you say "no," follow through. Toxic people may test your limits repeatedly.
Refusing Guilt-Trips
Toxic people may use guilt to get their way. They may even tell you that your boundary or the enforcement of your boundary is a betrayal to them. Recognize it, but don’t let it control your decision.
Creating Physical and Emotional Distance
When saying "no" isn’t respected, you may need to limit or cut off contact.
Burnout Prevention – Protect your energy by saying no when you’re overwhelmed. Burnout prevention is all about maintaining a healthy balance, recognizing early signs of stress, and actively taking steps to preserve your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
Creating Space for Growth – Saying no to the wrong things gives you room to say yes to what matters.
When It Compromises Your Values – If saying yes means compromising your personal values or integrity, it’s essential to stand firm.
When Your Mental Health Is at Risk – If a commitment negatively impacts your emotional well-being, saying no is an act of self-preservation.
Biblical Insight
Proverbs 12:25 (KJV) says, "Heaviness in the heart of man maketh it stoop: but a good word maketh it glad. "Just like we guard our hearts spiritually, we also need to guard our emotional and mental health. This means recognizing when saying yes to everything is ultimately saying no to peace, joy, and balance.
Isaiah 40:29 (KJV) says, "He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength." Even in our weakness, God gives us strength, but we need to recognize when we need to rest and replenish ourselves, rather than constantly pushing beyond our limits.
I challenge you to practice saying no at least once this week. And if you do, I’d love to hear about it! Share your experiences with me on social media or send me a message.
Thank you for listening to this week's episode.. Until next time, take care of your mind, take care of your soul, and take care of yourself.
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