Hidden Struggles: The Truth Behind the Smile

As people we often take people at face value and assume that if they are smiling and seem friendly then everything must be going just right in their life and we often miss the turmoil raging just below the surface. So if you're the person who is struggling in silence or even if you're the person that says “How did this happen I thought they were doing great” then hang around for a bit and let's talk about it. 

Hidden Struggles

As someone who often struggles in silence I found this topic of hidden struggles fascinating in many aspects. From the aspect of daily living within my own life and the people I encounter, to the Biblical and psychological aspect. If someone were to ask me today “How are you” I would likely say I am fine even though I have a list of things I am currently struggling with. Is this a lie? No. There are many aspects in my life that are going well but that doesn’t mean that I am not struggling in other areas. I can be thankful for the blessings in my life and still acknowledge the struggles and the pain.

I must give credit to my mother who I will both throw under the bus and brag on for a second. She is by far the greatest woman I have ever known and in many ways her and I are a lot alike. One of the things that annoys me about her is also the thing that I appreciate about her the most. It makes her who she is and more people should be like this. My mother has the most forgiving spirit of anyone I have ever met. It’s not because she is naive and doesn’t see the reality of some people and the flesh they allow to get in their way. She sees it and she chooses to love people no matter what. She chooses to see beyond people's faults and see what they could be going through, the struggles they may be facing, the battles they may be fighting. She always says “Everyone has a backstory” and while I know that to be true, I often struggle with the concept that I am going through stuff too and I don’t go around treating people like trash as some have done to me. And when I do treat others badly I try my very best to apologize. What makes my mother and I different in this scenario is that I won’t apologize if I have not done something wrong and perhaps I should, I am praying about that. I will also give people multiple changes as in 2 or 3. My mother on the other hand (and this is where we bump heads), she will say sorry to people who have done her wrong simply because she is saying sorry for something she may have done. She is saying sorry because she wants peace. She is saying sorry because she believes in unity and not division and her chances are in many cases unlimited. 

In a day to day situation, when a waitress is not doing a very good job, most people would not tip them well. My mom tips them extra and says “they may be dealing with something we don’t know about”. If someone attacks my mom verbally she shrugs and says “Is something going on with them? They don’t seem their normal self” and she prays for them. I am going to be honest and admit that I struggle with this sometimes because again why do I deserve to be abused simply because they are having a bad day, and I don’t but regardless of someone else's actions they still deserve my prayers. Just as I would expect someone to understand that just because I don’t tell them I’m struggling doesn't mean I'm not.

You’re probably wondering where I am going with this and what this has to do with hidden struggles. This topic is meant to be a reminder to you and to myself that everyone is struggling in some way. You don’t know their back story. You don’t know if the reason they are rude is because they just worked a double shift trying to make ends meet and they are both mentally and physically exhausted. You don’t know if they are isolating themselves because they don’t feel worth your time or energy. You don’t know if the reason they are missing church regularly is because they simply chose to use their money to feed their children instead of fill their gas tank. You don’t know if their children wear sweatpants or play clothes to   church is because they can’t afford new suits and dress clothes at the rate their children are growing. You don’t know that the reason they avoid social events is because they can’t afford and don’t want other people to feel like they have to pay their way. You don’t know who is struggling with medical conditions they choose not to talk about.

You don’t know who is struggling financially. You don’t know who is dealing with abuse, family conflicts, grief, mental health issues, self doubt, work stress, spiritual battles, addiction, legal issues, housing issues, and yes these things do happen in the church. They aren’t exclusive to sinners and those outside of ministry. These are things that even pastors, preachers, and ministry workers are dealing with every day. And those are the people who are more inclined not to talk about it. Statistically research says that only about 40% of women and 30% of men share their emotional struggles with anyone. That means that 60 & 70% of them choose to struggle in silence.1 

The Psychology of Hidden Struggles

So, why do people hide their pain? Psychologists point to a few key reasons.

1. Defense Mechanisms Sigmund Freud introduced the concept of defense mechanisms – the unconscious strategies we use to protect ourselves from emotional pain. These mechanisms can protect us and help us cope with anxiety and stress but they also hinder personal growth. Some common defense mechanisms are masking. People may smile or joke as a way to avoid confronting or revealing their true feelings. For some, it feels easier to wear a mask than to risk being vulnerable. Repression, keeping feelings thoughts and memories out of our general focus.

2. Impression Management Another reason people hide their struggles is social pressure. Sociologist Erving Goffman described the concept of "impression management" – how we carefully curate the image we present to others.

We live in a world where social media amplifies this. It’s easy to post happy pictures while privately battling things. This disconnect can make those who are struggling feel even more isolated because everyone else seems to be doing fine. 

3. Emotional Suppression Chronic emotional suppression – the habit of bottling up feelings – can lead to long-term mental health issues like anxiety and depression. Research shows that suppressing emotions doesn’t make them go away. In fact, it often intensifies internal distress.

4. Fear of Judgement or Rejection: Many people worry that if they reveal their pain, they will be judged or viewed differently. Social stigma around mental health or personal struggles often prevents people from opening up. Research shows that people who feel shame or embarrassment are more likely to isolate themselves emotionally.

5. Social Conditioning: From a young age, many are taught to "be strong" or "keep it together." This cultural pressure fosters the belief that admitting pain is a sign of weakness, leading people to suppress their struggles rather than express them.

6. Trust Issues: If someone has been betrayed or dismissed in the past after sharing their struggles, they may hesitate to be open again. They may feel safer keeping their burdens hidden rather than risking further emotional harm.

7. Avoiding Burdening Others: People often withhold their struggles out of concern for others, fearing they will be a burden or add stress to those they care about. This is especially common in individuals who prioritize the needs of others over their own.

Biblical Foundations

The Bible speaks powerfully about seeing beyond the surface and caring for others with genuine compassion. A perfect example is the story of the woman at the well in John 4:7-29. On the outside, she seemed like any other Samaritan woman drawing water. But Jesus saw her unseen burdens – her broken relationships and deep thirst for something more. At the time the societal norm would have been for Jesus to ignore her because she was a Samaritan and he was a Jew. Not to mention she had quite the relationship issues. He didn’t say you horrible woman, you’re going straight to hell. As a matter of fact he didn’t even point out that what she was doing as a sinned. All he had to do was see past all of it and engaged her with kindness and offer her something more. Something with Hope. Something with healing. 

Application: How often do we pause to see the pain behind someone’s smile? Like Jesus, we are called to see past the exterior and offer genuine care.

In Galatians 6:2 we read, "2 Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ." Compassion isn’t just a feeling – it’s an action. This means stepping into someone else’s world and helping lighten their load.

Practical Tip: Ask deeper questions. Instead of just "How are you?" try "What’s been on your heart lately?" This invites honesty.

In 1 Samuel 16:7, God reminds Samuel:  “But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.

How to Respond with Compassion

As Christians how can we respond when we sense someone might be struggling beneath the surface?

1. Be Present Sometimes, the best gift we can offer is our presence. You don’t need perfect words – just be there. The ministry of presence means sitting with someone in their pain without rushing to fix it.

Think of Job’s friends. When they first arrived, they simply sat with him in silence for seven days (Job 2:13). It was only when they began to speak without understanding that they caused harm.

2. Ask Deeper Questions Move beyond surface-level conversations. Instead of assuming someone is fine because they smile, ask questions like:

• "Is there something weighing on your heart?"

• "How can I be praying for you?"

3. Pray for Discernment Ask God to open your eyes to those who are struggling. Sometimes the Holy Spirit nudges us to check on someone who may not openly express their pain.

4. When You’re the One Behind the Smile If you’re the one hiding pain, know that you don’t have to carry it alone. James 5:16 encourages us to "Confess your faults to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed." Vulnerability leads to healing. Find someone you can trust and trust is an important factor here, and talk to them about what you’re going through. They likely cannot fix your problems but it often helps to share your pain. 

My Personal Story

I am someone who keeps my struggles mostly to myself. My parents, my husband, and my brother are usually the only ones who know what's going on in my life. If I had to ask myself why that is, I would say that 1) from past experiences I don’t trust very many people. I have had two of my very closest friends turn their backs on me at the word of someone else without hesitation or finding out the truth from me or even hearing my side. 2) I have found that more often than not people would rather gossip about your pain than pray about it which is why I say find a TRUSTED family member or friend, or your pastor. 3) I find having my close family is enough for me. Through experience I found that when you need something more God brings them into your life and it is someone who keep your confidence and will minister into your life rather than harm it. When I was in the middle of my divorce, trying to keep it together, trying to keep up with the pain without breaking down in front of everyone. I walked out of church one day after giving my children to their father for the weekend and sat in my car and cried. I felt so broken. I missed my kids. I hated the pain of the process. I hated the overwhelming sadness. I hated feeling alone and miserable. I hated that other than a select few people who truly cared, everyone else just wanted to know the juicy details about what happened to cause the divorce. As I sat there alone in my car as everyone else in the church had already driven off headed toward home or so I thought. There was a knock at my window. I turned and realized it was someone who I wasn’t particularly close to at the time. I want to clarify that he is my father’s age not because he is old but just to specify he wasn’t just some random man talking to an alone girl in a parking lot at night. He was/is a trusted individual whom God has sent when I needed someone who was going to understand. I rolled down the window embarrassed at crying and all he said was “I’ve been there. I understand.” He told me his own experiences alone, wondering why me and let me know he was praying for me. It wasn’t a long conversation and as far as I know he never told anyone about me crying in my car. I know through the years he has prayed for me, my children, and my husband. But I learned that while it is good to share your struggles, even if you don’t God can still send someone to remind you you’re not alone. 

Here are the key takeaways:

1. Everyone carries hidden battles, so be kind.

2. God calls us to see beyond the surface and bear one another’s burdens.

3. Compassion is an action – be present, ask deeper questions, and pray for discernment.

This week, check on someone. Go beyond the usual, "How are you?" and offer real support. And if you’re struggling, I encourage you to reach out. You don’t have to walk alone.